Background to self esteem and how it can evolve

At any age, we seek encouragement and approval. This manifests itself from infancy and as we grow older, we begin to realise that today’s society and culture does not readily address this. We receive constant messages from television, magazines, our place of work etc that we should be attractive, slim, successful, fashionable , rich, have a large house and so on. The list is endless.

It is difficult for us to reach a level of balance as to who we are against our peers and how much self belief and pride we should demonstrate. This can easily be perceived as arrogance or conceit instead of a healthy acknowledgement of our abilities and achievements. Success is however a great boost to the ego, yet we are influenced not just by our own levels of attainment but also the levels achieved by those people that we share relationships with or whose opinions we value and respect.

For example, we tend to seek feedback from those whose opinions matter to us and whom we value. If those people have a low opinion of us or are negative in their responses, this can feel like a dent to our self esteem. The other aspect to consider is that there are a group of people whose opinions matter to us due to the role they play in our lives, such as parents, teachers and bosses for example. As we often interact with them on a frequent basis, this can be an important source of feedback on our performance and behaviour. It is not necessary to like the people who play these roles in our lives, but their opinions matter to us nonetheless and influence our self esteem.

We would all like to be able to add value, to contribute, to be included – in short, to matter. There are many factors in our lives which can contribute to low self esteem which is why this is something which can fluctuate, depending on events circumstances. Measuring ourselves against others can be a positive process, which allows us to learn and appreciate. It can also have a very negative impact, resulting in feeling inadequate or insecure. This ‘self judgement’ or the perceived judgement of others can impact our ability to view ourselves objectively and achieve our dreams.

POWER

Much of our self esteem is based on the idea of ‘power’. People with low self esteem believe that any successes they achieve are attributable to luck rather than ability or competence. Equally, anything negative can be put down to factors beyond their control. Indeed, studies have shown that having choices in life can be significant in dictating levels of self esteem. People who find themselves in a genuine or perceived position of powerlessness can suffer from stress and low self esteem as they feel unable to control aspects of their lives or a particular situation. People who have healthy self esteem tend to attribute achievements and successes to qualities that they possess and the effective use of them. This generates a feeling of power and self worth.

COMMUNICATION

For those suffering with low self esteem, social situations can present further difficulties and stress. They will most likely appear to lack confidence or may over compensate and appear to be arrogant or over bearing. This comes from the need to seek approval from those in our social or peer groups and the result can be hesitant speech punctuated by unconvincing opinions or thoughts. Those with healthy self esteem by comparison, are able to appear confident with strong self belief and opinions. They are also able to take a risk during a conversation and can admit when they are wrong without any dent to their overall confidence and self belief.